the Buns: 4 + months

Woa! It’s been awhile since I’ve shared life with the Buns lately. Every week is different, so the second I start writing something out I find myself going back immediately to alter what exactly is going on. So much is going on!! I get tons of comments and questions on how I make it “look so easy.” Well, I’m glad it looks easy, but keep in mind what you see is if not 30 minutes, 30 seconds of my day :)

Let’s start with month 1. It’s all a bit foggy now, and most of it was spent in the NICU. Fast forward to month 2, and it was a dream come true with the Buns finally safe at home (you can read more here). That said we were so tired it was almost hard to put words to my feelings. I didn’t have a second, or the energy to even comprehend my feelings!  I wish I did, because looking back it feels like a blur, and one I wish I had a better grasp on. Month 3 hit fast. The days quickly went from 5am to 5pm and I’d look back wondering what the H I actually did all day. I spent 12 hours with my babies but with feeding them 8x, cleaning 16 bottles, changing who knows how many blowouts, and my favorite hobby that I’d partake in every couple hours-pumping-was I actually hanging out with them? My life was a recurring checklist and I was always looking one step ahead. This is the month I finally emerged out of my cocoon of exhaustion enough to realize and wonder so many things about my new current stage in life. Motherhood. I got the hang of the physical demand, but emotionally, I found it challenging. I whined to my OB one day, “what is wronggg with me?” She said, “it’s called hormones girl, and it’s called mom guilt. The hormones will subside but the mom guilt…well, that will never go away ;)” I was not prepared. I constantly asked myself if I was staring at Zoe too much…or holding Slater more. How would I ever divide my attention between the two? Were we connecting enough? Getting to know each other? I dreamed of these two for so long. I shouldn’t be allowed any meltdowns. I mean, I truly had everything I want. But was I reaching the supermom-level bar I had set? I was disappointed in myself. Truth be told, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be the mom that these kids deserve, but the day before they turned 4 months a good friend told me “you are the exact mom that they need,” and a weight was lifted.

Here we are at 4 months and it’s the best month so far! Slater and Zoe are currently cooing and smiling non stop. We get locked in each other’s eyes and I get baby butterflies all over. They’ve laughed here and there and each minute they melt this heart of mine more than the last. I love that we learn something new about each other every day, and are building our bond. I also love that my relationship with Slater and Zoe is already so different from one another, and it’s neat to see how each evolves. Waking up to them in the morning is simply the best…but then holding their calm swaddled little bodies at night gives me all the feels too. Sometimes I catch myself staring at them while they sleep. Like, for twenty minutes. My husband will ask “where’d ya go?” Umm, you know, just staring at the kids :) Sounds creepy but to me, it’s the most beautiful thing. It’s my quiet moment to remember the feelings that once came with that empty room that’s now theirs, soak in their angel faces with no distraction…and pinch myself.

 

So what else are they doing? They’re now eating breastmilk 6x a times a day (usually one feed directly from the boob and the rest via bottles). They’re on a new nap schedule that’s making all of our lives easier! I can tell they are in better moods, with less “witching hours” plus mama gets a couple hours to herself during the day to clean, do laundry, work, etc without feeling torn about spending time with the babies. We’re reading stories and mastering the art of tummy time during their awake hours. Slater seems to want to do more than he physically can (I swear he might take a step any day now-HA!). Zoe is such a flirt. A cute one. She gives you this smile that is so captivating. It’s like you want to turn your head but you just can’t move away from her endearing little (but big!) eyes. We’re working on getting them to bed at 7pm for a 12 hour sleep till 7am with a dream feed at 10pm. The sched is going well so far…tough to get them down but once they are, they are pretty good sleepers (though we still get random 2am sob fests like last night!). We just took them on their first flight (more on that later) and we’ve dipped their feets (yes, we call them “feets”) in the ocean!! Slater is 14 pounds and Zoe is 12 pounds and our pediatrician is so happy! I don’t look at baby apps or anything since our kids are preemies and advancing on “their own schedule” but according to the doc they are making progress on the “regular” full term baby charts and are catching up developmentally!  I remember telling myself when I was pregnant these kids would be fighters and that they are!

I’ve been trying to ease up on my work schedule and from attending social events to focus on my family and it’s been super rejuvenating. The amount of physical and mental effort it takes to even get out of the door sometimes was adding so much unneeded clutter to this precious time in their lives (we do continue to go out, but I usually make sure Hunter is with us!). We still see family and friends of course but I’ve put less pressure on myself to be everywhere, all the time, and more emphasis on being where my buns are, and where we want and need to be.

So there ya have it! Oh, and don’t get me wrong…I still have my breakdowns. But I try to be open more with my husband, and talk with my mama-friends. Utilizing my gal-pals in this walk of motherhood has been a game-changer and it’s amazing to realize how many women feel the same tugs and pulls! I’ll try to be better about Bun updates (shall we call them “BUNdates?”). Thanks for following as always…and I rounded up some adorable little fall outfits for littles below! Because baby fashion is so much better than mama fashion ;)