At the end of the 2WW wait after our first transfer, our nurse called with a “Hi Carly.” And she didn’t need to say much more. I knew from her tone of voice it was unfortunate news, said thank you, hung up the phone and instantly fell into tears with my husband. Neither embryo implanted-does this mean I was defeated…not once, but twice? No, but I couldn’t help but feel angry with myself and my body for a slight second. It was one of those moments I wanted to end so badly, but at the same time, I didn’t know what I would do once I opened my eyes. What now?
–September 2016–
Mamas In The Making,
This is a tiny excerpt from my blog post that I shared 5 years ago in the midst of our IVF journey. You can read the whole thing here. But this is what I want you to know. Truth be told, the next few days following that first transfer were the hardest. Since we hadn’t told anyone about this transfer, so even when we told them after it’s “failure,” it was hard to convey the magnitude of the build up and then let down the roller coaster took us on. But after those few rough days, came a few hopeful weeks. We opened up to friends and family. Asked for prayers. I shared this blog post publicly, and not only did the love and support for us come in, the opportunity to love and support others through similar journeys did too.
If you’ve been following along for awhile you know that fast forward to a couple months later, we were pregnant! With twins! We did another transfer, two embryos, both took, and we held on to that hope, faith and positivity as we endured a wild, complicated but beautiful pregnancy. Fast forward a bit more, and we fell pregnant with our third baby Leo, our light. All three of my children are truly, our light.
Friends.Here is the thing though. You are going through something HARD.
It’s one of those taboo things, that is hard to talk about. It’s so easy to say “be grateful for what we have” or “at least we are healthy,” both true. And can also be true alongside with feeling sad and feeling grief, over that deep hole in your core. You are allowed to have gratitude and also endure hard feelings. And is a key word there. As feelings do not have to be exclusive to one side or another. But you are strong. And then you will get the opportunity to share your story with others, your family, or whoever you choose. I’m lifting you up here. I’m offering my support here. So take that step, and send me a personal email at carly@carlykenihan.com. I’m waiting for you. And you will find your light.
